ALONE - SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE
(Excerpt from my new book)
Have
you ever felt alone, even when surrounded by people?
I’ve
carried that feeling my entire life. It’s like a scar, that I can trace along
the lines of my soul. It’s something that comes and goes in waves but always
brings me back to my youth.
When
you are starting out, in elementary school, and you are not accepted, rather
you are beaten and bullied, you doubt yourself. You also give up before even
trying, in a sense, to get out and meet new people and develop friendships.
When
things went sour for me, I was too young to have the social skills and
wherewithal to make those connections. I figured, if I am being beaten up and
made fun of and ripped apart in front of everyone; why would anyone want to be
my friend?
Feeling
like that for a day or a week, is far different than feeling like that from an
age as young as 5 right through until 15.
You
don’t recover from that experience. It forms you into the person you become,
and it affects your future relationships and ability to reach out.
I
remember going to Van Horne Park, I didn’t know anyone, except the kids that
taunted me on a daily basis. It would be summertime and the park was full with
kids and their parents, kids and their friends. People were playing baseball,
basketball, throwing a frisbee. Teenagers were hanging out smoking, talking
loud and fooling around.
I
remember one night, after dinner, I went to watch a baseball game, one of the
local leagues, guys in their 20s to 30s. I was sitting under a tree because I
did not even have the confidence to sit on the bleachers, around other people
who had come to watch the game. I had this innate feeling that by staying on my
own, I could protect myself and by being invisible, a tiny kid, under a big
tree; I could be safe enough to watch the game.
As
it grew darker, the field lights came on, full beam and one of the guys hit the
ball out of the park. I guess the majority of the crowd was there to see that
team because everyone stood up and cheered, so celebratory that the bleachers actually
shook.
I
wanted to be that guy. The guy who everyone was cheering for and the who had
hit the ball out of the park. No one was going to mess with him. His team
members threw him high fives and some even hugged him. He was smiling from ear
to ear. He was like a hero.
When
the game ended, the players met up with their friends and families. They
huddled, laughed, made plans to meet up for pizza, then they all got into their
cars and left. I walked out onto the field wearing my torn, tattered running
shoes, and a second hand shirt I was still to grow into. I stood at home base
as if I was receiving the pitch and when the ball made contact with my "pretend" bat (a stick), I ran hard and fast to first base, I picked up speed and
rounded second, third, and just as I was about to be the star, the hero,
everyone was cheering for, suddenly, the park lamps turned off and I found
myself in the dark, alone, trying to make it home.
It
would not be until years later, in my teens, that I would come to the
realization that I was an athlete who excelled at every sport. When I was well
into my 40s, I would end up playing ball in leagues with guys half my age, who
did not hold a candle to me, not as a hitter, not as any position out on the
field.
That
little kid, out on the field, alone in the dark, had no idea he had a bright future.
He saw no future. He saw himself as a loser, an outsider, someone that no one
wanted to be around.
No
one should feel that way. I wish someone, anyone, would have noticed me under
that tree or would have protected me, even once, on my way to school and back.
I wish someone would have asked me to come to a party or go to a movie or come
out and play on their team.
But,
those 10 years or so, passed by, and I was left frozen in time. I spent day in,
day out, alone and wondering why I was in that predicament.
In
today’s world, maybe I would have had a school counselor to go to or a support
group. Maybe, if my genes were a certain way, it would have triggered a
depression or some other level of mental illness.
All
I know, is that I am still alone, every time I walk into a room full of people, or a hockey arena, or a park. The only difference being that rather than that
feeling drowning me, causing self doubt; I know it well, I bargain with it and
as the moments pass, it dissipates, like the flicker of the park lights, when
they hesitate to shine.
If
you are feeling alone. If you are being bullied. If you are living in fear, try
and get some help. The earlier in life that you deal with what is happening, the
more chance you have later in life to heal and to succeed.
BUY ON AMAZON:
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