THE LONG ROAD FROM BEING BULLIED TO BEING YOURSELF
Over the course of many years of being bullied, you start to question your very identity. Am I the person they say I am? Are their verbal insults valid? When they kick me in the face and punch me in the gut, do I deserve that abuse and pain? Am I worthless?
I had this habit of always looking back when I was walking on my own, from and to school or to the park near my house (where I would play pitch and catch myself, by throwing the ball as high in the air as I could and then catching it with my mitt). I never looked forward. How could I? I wanted to have eyes in back of my head or some kind of alarm that would go off as soon as someone came within a few feet of me.
I would find myself still doing the same thing, much later in life, as a grown man with a family, love, acceptance, a successful career, all the important things at my fingertips; yet I still looked over my shoulder and on my shoulder, I carried a boulder.
It's embarrassing to say, but the truth of the matter is, I have only found myself, become the person I have wanted to become, in my 7th decade.
You see, the beatings and the verbal abuse, they take a toll on your mind, your body, your soul and then what's left behind are scars, visible, invisible, markings of what you endured.
You doubt yourself. You know so well what it feels like not to belong that you are afraid to believe you may belong. Belonging is an integral need among us all but most especially when we are young and vulnerable. I never had a sense of belonging and it effected my ability to trust anyone, to let them in, to see my scars and understand how I got them.
I put myself aside, and I try to focus on teens who much like I did, need help, support, an open ear, objective, free of judgement and listening to what they have to say. I can read people well. It's a skill I mastered at a young age. I had this innate need to observe people, study them, for their body language for signals that were apparent and meaningful to me even if they were not aware of the signals they were sending.
When I talk to people I look them in the eye. I don't wonder off in another direction because there is so much in someone's eyes, so many stories told, so many ways to predict what is going to come next.
When I was as young as 7 and being beaten to a pulp, I was afraid to look in the eyes of any of my abusers. I felt that would cause them to further rage and I was petrified of that possibility. As I grew older, stronger, faster, smarter, I was able to look anyone in the eyes who I sensed was a threat and with just one look, they knew not to mess with me. I had been messed with enough.
Yet, still, I believed that I was lots of the things they said, stupid/ugly/wimpy. I find it harder to get the words out of my head than to mend the physical residue of being bullied.
I always try to make people feel good about themselves, feel at ease and safe. It's the way I have wanted to be treated and at this stage of life, for the most part, I am treated that way.
I should never had to endure bullying again in my later years. It was humiliating as an adult in the workplace, being talked down to and ridiculed in front of the rest of the staff. It brought back all the terrible feelings and once again, made me question my self worth, but I read this person well and I knew that he was just miserable in his own life. It really wasn't about me, it was about him feeling better by making someone feel worthless, less than.
There are so many people that influence our lives and who we become. Some are good, caring, positive people while others just want to kick you in the face, knock you to the ground and step on your neck.
They want to bring out your anger, frustration and aggression so you can be on their level but the worse thing you can do is pull a punch. The best thing you can do is take the high road, stay away from them, ignore them and spend your energy, your time on those who love you and those who need you as a mentor.
When I'm on the bus, feeding homeless teens, with Dans La Rue, I read their body language, I sense their sadness, their confusion and their loneliness. So when I talk to them, if they choose to talk to me, I look them in the eye and I remember what I see, a flashback, to myself, younger, weaker, alone, scared, looking backward over my shoulder.
Then, I transition to the present, I listen to what they say and instead of looking back, I look forward and safely, slowly, I hope they will follow.
Photo by Lisa Audrey Cohen
The Blog you are reading, was created and co-written with Lisa Audrey Cohen. It has provided support and hope to thousands of youth across Canada and to parents who witness their children's daily struggle and feel helpless. The Blog also creates awareness and resources for support groups, shelters, youth at risk programs and education on anti-bullying.
He receives fan mail from across North America, young people, being bullied or having overcome being bullied, seeking support and thanking Paul for inspiring them to overcome their fears.
Paul has been interviewed on several podcasts, radio shows, and serves as a guest speaker for various book clubs, anti-bullying movements, writer workshops (all presently by Zoom).
He chose to stand up instead of standing to the side. He chose to speak out instead of being silent and his voice has been heard. If that saves even one life, one bullied kid from considering their last option; then it has all been worthwhile.
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